July 15, 2011 at 6:08 pm Leave a comment

i’ve never told you this {probably because i figured you’d stop reading right away}, but i consider myself to be deeply spiritual. not the ring-the-doorbell-and-try-to-convert-you or the picket-carrying varieties–and i promise never to beat anyone with a bible–but spiritual even so. just not real vocal about it.

there was a time when i would have talked of god, but i’ve always struggled with conventional religion. most of us who were raised christian have an image of “the big guy” in our heads: he’s a dude, he’s white, he’s sittin’ on some clouds. and then there’s the word of god, which was unfortunately written down by fallible humans, again all dudes. {did you know there was bloodshed and fisticuffs at the first ecumenical council of 325, when the nicene creed was written?} and i can’t get behind the eye-for-an-eye half of the bible. plus i’ve never really gotten the whole trinity thing. {i mean i’m willing to believe in the possibility of cylons, but one being inhabiting three entities? i mean, come on, that’s sci-fi.}

nonetheless, i do feel that there is something greater out there, i just don’t know what it is. it’s a presence, a life force, a call for us to be our best selves. i call it grace.

grace has been present in my life and sometimes i feel it intensely, like the time i didn’t come forward for communion and the priest {female!} came over and gave me a blessing and i actually felt grace flow into me. {yep, that’s how & why i became an episcopalian. well, that plus our congregation was racially diverse and accepting of gay folk.} sometimes i feel grace in quiet moments, like in the warmth of a child falling asleep on my shoulder. a few times i’ve tapped into it while doing yoga. sometimes it’s not such an intense feeling, but looking back, there it is: the grace that sustained me for the few years that i was a social worker; the chance meeting of someone who would end up having a profound impact on my life; the encouragement of loved ones to pursue a non-traditional career path.

it always brings tears to my eyes, and i guess that’s how i know it’s there. you could tell me that i’m just experiencing the release of a neurochemical. you could call me silly. you could beat me at rock paper scissors. but you won’t change my mind.

grace is all around us {even though it’s sometimes hard to feel}. do you know what i’m talking about? i’d love to hear your thoughts.


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